I recognize that these continuing blogs may not be of interest to anyone else, but I find it is cathartic for me. And, if they speak to just one … then it’s worthwhile.
It’s now been almost 2 months since Carol passed. The memorial was held on Sunday, October 23rd and I thought it was as good as it could have been. The outpouring of people’s comments on Facebook and through emails was truly touching, and the comments of people at the memorial paid tribute to who Carol was, and how she touched so many lives. After that I went to some meetings at our old church in Vacaville, where it was good to be surrounded by friends, and receive some healing moments and prayer. During the next couple weeks I was able to teach a healing class, speak at a Sunday service, and then traveled to Germany to join my friend, Gary Oates, for a conference he did, and he had me minister at one of the sessions. Upon returning home, all the activity stopped, as Thanksgiving approached, and then moved into December.
Inactivity and no purpose naturally causes one to focus inward. Once again the enemy wants to step in to cause you to question — did I do the right things, do enough, say the things I wanted to before she passed? Could we have done something differently to produce better results? Was I able to convey how much I loved her, how much I would miss her — how do you even know until you’ve had to go through something like this? But, if you don’t allow yourself to feel, then aren’t you in danger of hardening your heart. I’ve never been one to express my feelings (I know some might even question if I have feelings). Much to my chagrin, I can tell you I feel … and it feels like hell! Intellectually, I know this won’t last, it will get better, there will be healing along the way. But man, the process sucks (process — there’s that word again that most of us try to avoid).
In one of my first blogs I talked about the value of that scripture that encourages us to concentrate on those things that are good, noble, pure and uplifting. I can either give in to the enemy bombarding me with thoughts like “I just want to die,” or “I don’t want to go on without her,” or I can turn to the “comforter” to see me through this and concentrate on the above. I’m finding it’s not easy, but I know it’s worth it. I saw this on Facebook recently and I know it applies. “Grief never ends … but it changes. It’s a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love.” As painful as the loss of Carol is, it was the price we paid for an incredible love affair we had, which only got better with time and age — it just ended before we were ready.