I had intended to continue to blog much before now, but things and life got in the way. It’s not that I don’t have something to say, or that it’s all too painful …… I do have things to say …… and a lot of it is painful to go over. But, I feel like I need to put things down publicly and perhaps it can be helpful along the way to someone going through a difficult time or loss.
I don’t think it does any good to sugarcoat it — the holidays were awful. That’s never been a favorite time of the year for me, and it was only compounded. But, the new year brought the beginnings of re-entering into ministry …. which I’m discovering I have more of a renewed passion for. I did several Healing Training Meetings in San Diego and Northern California, then took a small team to Brazil in April, and another team to Colombia the end of May. The activity is like tonic for my soul, and there is much rejoicing within me when I see God move through the room. And, while I’m trying hard to not allow the activity to suppress the feelings, I don’t think it could …. the memories, the pictures in my mind, just the very missing of my partner alongside me in ministry ….. it’s always there.
The hardest part, of course, is the loneliness when the activity stops …. leaving friends over a good dinner and walking into an empty house. When you’ve been together for 47 years, and joined at the hip 24/7 for 21 incredible years, you can’t help but feel the loss …. and feel lost. And, did you know, that the enemy won’t take a time-out and leave you alone? The accusations are relentless.
This summer sees a little scattered ministry, mostly locally, and gives me the opportunity to work on two things: my tennis game (some physical healing) and some healing ministry to me (spiritual and emotional healing). I didn’t think it was going to be this hard (c’mon, do we ever think a process is going to be that hard?), and I didn’t want to believe it was going to be as long as some people said. But, as much as I’d like to give up at times (just being honest) and as much as the enemy would like to see me quit, for me …. part of it is that I just don’t want to disappoint the Lord. I am determined to have Him show me how much I mean to Him ….. and maybe that’s enough for now.
Blog # 10 will deal with how I’m handling the theological aspects of her passing.