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#10 My Journey Through The Loss Of My Partner

I have tried to hold very firm to two things Randy Clark and Bill Johnson instilled in me — we believe and pray for healing, if we don’t get it we pray for resurrection, and if we don’t get that …. we celebrate that God is good, and the person is in a better place. And, I don’t have to understand it all for it still to be true.

My position is: God the Father does not give sickness or infirmity, or capriciously allow it. He gave us His son Jesus. Jesus said “If you’ve seen me, you’ve seen the Father.” The Father and I are one.” When the leper came to Jesus in Mark 1, he said “If you are willing…” Jesus said “I am willing.” That’s what most of the American translations say, but in the Latin American countries, we found it says “I want to,” and in the Japanese translation it says “It’s my heart to.” He’s willing, He wants to, it’s His heart to …. He can’t help Himself, that’s just who He is.

So, the will of the Father is to heal. But, we live in a sinful, fallen, toxic world. We have an enemy and he is real. And, sometimes we make poor decisions. A very well known, much respected leader has said “sometimes people die prematurely because we don’t believe in or pray for resurrection.” Which, indicates that the enemy wins some at times. That’s not God’s plan — He can win with any hand He’s dealt, but He doesn’t deal every hand … there are other players and factors in the game.

A woman came to me at the end of a meeting several months ago to express her condolences for my loss. And, she said something, or a variation, that is quite common …. “I guess God just needed Carol in heaven.” My take on that is: “no, He didn’t need her there …… but He did receive her home.” I told her I didn’t think He took her, that we made some bad decisions and missed some early signs that something was wrong, and the enemy won that one. I could tell by the look that I had tweaked her theology.

Could God have healed her anyway, even under the most dire prognosis … absolutely … but He didn’t. And yes, I have many questions, it hurts, and the enemy would love for me to turn against God in anger. One of the things we taught so often over the years in Prayer Ministry is that we have met many who moved in a powerful healing ministry, seeing many, many people get healed … until one of their close relatives got sick, they prayed, but the person died. And the reaction was to back away … “I can’t do that anymore, it hurts too bad.” We said we understood that reaction … we just didn’t think it was the right one. A better action is to press into God for more anointing …. because the person didn’t get healed and you need more of God.

So, how am I handling this? Being honest …. not well at times. It hurts so badly, you just want to curl up and die. Something Bill Johnson has said helps: “If your need to understand is so great, then you’ll never have the peace that surpasses understanding.” Hmmmmm…makes you stop and think, huh? The other that I hold onto is: “unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.” The thing a very prophetic person, who we both trusted a lot, said it best when he talked about her being a Mikvah (see #7 blog) — she was a healing pool, and she left a legacy that many, many are carrying on.

And what does God have for me in all of this? I’m still working on that, but several things I know are this: I need more healing to love myself and others, and I am embarking on that process; God truly wants me to get it, that I am His son and He has not now or ever will abandon me, and that when it’s all said and done ….. it’s always been and always will be about walking in His love … and giving it away. Romans 5:5 says the love of God is being poured into my heart through the Holy Spirit. Let it be so, Lord, for me and anyone reading this and going through loss.

Your intercessory prayers are always appreciated as I walk through this process. Blessings.


Bill Dew
Dewnamis Ministries, Inc.

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